I AM THIRD

A Look Back

I guess as this short-lived relationship comes to a close, I’d like to focus on the other end of it.

“James Gregory, you  have been my blessing in soo many ways and it only continues to get better. I smile from ear to ear simply thinking of you so being around you makes can only make the smile get soo much bigger! Don’t be insecure! I like you a lot!”

“I’m soo glad! & I believe it will always continue to get better as we share more memories and learn more about each other!”

“Partially. Your just so unique and adorable and charming and whitty and most of all….Your mine!… To cherish & adore and be thankful for each & every second.”

“You are seriously the next best thing to ever happen to me. I like you soo much James Gregory, don’t forget it!! Night handsome baby!”

“How much u actually pay attention to me & u instantly notice when something is wrong. I’m used to being frustrated or angry for days & always gone unnoticed. You just seriously mean so much to me James. It’s soo hard to pick 1 or 2 things I love the most. I don’t want to ever take any of it for granted!!!”

“Please never forget that you are so valuable to me James. You have received such a huuuge part of my heart & u are helping me change every moment for the better. I don’t ever want to take that for granted & I hope I can support and push you just as much in return. You are amazing and you are soo loved.”

“At first I think I was attracted to you for being different & standing out but now that doesn’t even compare to my attraction to your faith, heart, passion & your such a challenge for me.”

“Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and the purest, most genuine, happiness God has entrusted in us :)”

“Hanging up the phone with you is always one of the sadder parts to my day. I love speaking with you and getting to share our stories while hearing all of your joy and your laughter. Specially your laughter. I can not even begin to put into words the happiness that fills my heart hearing you laugh. Ha Even though you are primarily always laughing at me- it’s well worth it.
But after hanging up I sat before God for a few minutes drowning him with thanks and praise. You seriously light up my life James. Not only do you bring me joy but you make me such a better person, both emotionally and spiritually. God is definitely using us to better each other and I pray that never, ever, changes. Whether it is you complimenting me, or blogging amazingly sweet things that I don’t deserve, or even if you are putting an end to our communication for the day I know that you do it out of love & the best of intentions. I soo anxiously am looking forward to seeing you this weekend and having the opportunity to make soo many more amazing memories with you. I cherish you more than a pirate cherishes treasures or (on a more funny note) more than the ice age squirrel cherishes it’s one and only acorn. You are my one and only thanks to our loving God and I never want to take that for granted!
Hopefully this weekend brings more laughter amongst us and joy for the lord as we make it a priority to center us around him. Better be warming those cheeks up cuz I sure don’t want them to be cramping up from the cheesiness or laughter ;) Oh and also get lots of rest for those eyes. We can’t be having them tired. I need to be able to stare into and get lost within all night :):)…well maybe all night depending on Saturday and if you think it’s a bad idea to stay together. Anyways your eyes are magnificent, just like the rest of you. I cherish and adore you unbelievably alot… Have the sweetest of dreams hun.”

“Those songs couldn’t be more perfect by the way. After last night and today and you being so gosh darn amazing. I am really really struggling not being able to talk to you :( thanks for everything again tho babe.”

“Ok #1 - What makes me different question… My heart is seriously melted into a huge pile of goo babe. You are possibly the sweetest guy ever when you chose to be :) #2 your top memory is me passed out.. REALLY? nothing more sweet or romantic than me almost dying on you? #3 a 3 year warranty where did this come from? #4 i would like the 125897532 listed out by tomorrow please- i dont believe thats possible”

Things change so fast.

Day ???

I’ve done a bad job updating this consistently. I never really felt guilty about  it, just figured “you know, I’m busy and this is just something I’ll pour my time into when I have the opportunity”. Until tonight. This blog is a representation of the inconsistency and selfishness I am showing in my relationship and the reality of it is hitting me right in my face…and it’s really, really ugly.

Today has not been a good day. We haven’t seen each other in a while, and I was planning on going to see her but decided to stick around and get stuff done and she spent the day in the hospital with her grandpa. She let me know, and I was cruel enough to not immediately ask what was wrong, how he was doing, how she was doing, or anything else? I only told her I would pray. What an amazing show of love to the person I care most about.

While I’ve spent the last month and a half adoring this woman and enjoying the joy she brings me daily, I’ve often snuck in small thoughts in the back of my head about how sacrificial and loving I’ve been in our relationship - buying her things, driving to see her at late hours, writing her things, sending her videos every day, being patient with her insecurities and frustrations or what have you. I rock as a boyfriend!

Let’s try that again. I could have gotten all my priorities taken care of last night so I could see you today, didn’t do it. Could have done them today, didn’t do them. Was going to do them tonight (the reason I stayed), still haven’t done them. Meanwhile, I’ve masturbated 5 times thinking of you over the last 48 hours, disrespecting and objectifying you in the process. I’ve often hoped you would pay for things so I wouldn’t have to, and I haven’t appreciated the times you have been overly gracious with your money towards me. I have disrespected your body, and I’ve even done it on purpose. I’ve been unsympathetic towards your situations with your mom and other family members, I’ve tried forcing you into certain roles that you haven’t been comfortable in, all the while refusing to fulfill any roles you desire me to in your life. I haven’t made a priority to pray with, over and for you. I haven’t valued our time together as much as I should and could have. I haven’t protected your heart when you didn’t know how, I haven’t set healthy boundaries to protect you or to protect me, and I’ve abused that lack of protection unintentionally. I haven’t trusted you fully, haven’t been confident in your affection towards me, and have worried when I ought not to. I’ve been quietly desiring to shape you into the perfect person rather than trying to become your perfect person.

I have wronged you in so many awful ways and been so disgustingly selfish in the short amount of time that we’ve been together that I’m sick to my stomach with the sudden realization of how much better you deserve, and how much less I deserve. Your forgiveness is something I will never, ever be the person to deserve - I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve your kindness and love and patience and trust and compassion and sacrifice and forgiveness and devotion.

O’ LORD…this is going to be short. Forgive me for being wretched and pitiful and less than what C deserves, and if she no longer wants this please give me the strength to still love you and not fall apart, because I don’t have the strength to lose her. I am sorry Jesus. I’m broken and humiliated and face down on my knees asking for mercy and strength.

Cute Things She Sends Me

“Ok #1 - What makes me different question… My heart is seriously melted into a huge pile of goo babe. You are possibly the sweetest guy ever when you chose to be  #2 your top memory is me passed out.. REALLY? nothing more sweet or romantic than me almost dying on you? #3 a 3 year warranty where did this come from? #4 i would like the 125897532 listed out by tomorrow please- i dont believe thats possible”

“Next I do love Jesus and I love that you love Jesus and I love that we have him to center around! and then comes your ever so kind words and my appreciation on how you truly realize how tender I am but I trust in you to take control and lead us rightously towards Jesus

Next I am sooo sooo sooo greatful for your patience and understanding and the way you worded me letting you in and becoming vulnerable. makes me happy to see that you understand me even if its a source of frustration to you. you still understand”

“Next the make-up.. that all just comes down to my confidence. It has once hit rock bottom and its also slowly inclining. Im a mess babe. You are slowly gluing me back together  and I already talked about Jesus and how awesomely majestic he is and loving we are of him. And then me being ticklish - yeah no comment. Someday babe. Watch your back!”

Lastly, our conversation ended last night with me saying “I’m totally head over heels, breath taken away, on the moon, world totally rocked in like with you!”, so she decided to respond on tumblr:

“Couldn’t have said it better myself :) 

Yes, Yes.. I am the luckiest girlfriend ever to have such a creative boyfriend as he. Sorry ladies. He is ALL MINE and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. This is how we ended our conversation tonight :) Makes me fall for him more and more every second.”

How blessed am i! 8)

Day 7/Day 36

Haven’t updated in a few days - mostly because I’ve been spending precious time with C :)

Something that’s been hard for her and thus hard for both of us is her insecurity towards my ex-girlfriend. My ex and I (who is now married to another friend of mine) are close friends and enjoy each other, and C’s past has never been filled with any past women who have been anything other than manipulative and intruding - I don’t blame her at all for being suspicious, scared or unsure about things with this, I’d be in the exact same boat.

She’s bartending right now and I’ve been spending the night cleaning the room - as soon as she gets back it’s straight to bed and cuddle time :) she sent me a text earlier asking what I was doing and after responding she responded with:

“Oh yay! Can we cuddle and be cute together tonight?”

“I’ll rub your belly and say sweet whispers in your ear”

This girl knows the way to my heart :)

On another note, sexual struggles and temptations have been graciously removed from our time together over the last few days - Jesus has provided greatly. Not really sure how to close this, so how about I close with a prayer!

Father, I will never be properly thankful and praising for the gifts and blessings you give me every day of my life - I do so much each day to deserve hell, to deserve burning, yet you see fit to lavish me with undeserved grace. Jesus, thank you for loving and forgiving me. Thank you for living a life of resistance and scorn, for bearing my inequities and carrying my sorrows. Specifically now, thank you for the blessing in C - thank you for the ways you have used her in my life to shape me into the leader and man that you desire me to look like. Thank you for the joy she brings me daily, and for seeing fit to use me in your work shaping and molding her into a beautiful and fearful woman. Please Jesus, please Holy Spirit, give us an overflowing portion of strength and perseverance, helping us to not worship each other but to enjoy each other - to not lust after each other but to love and respect each other - to not prioritize each other on top, but to humbly submit to you first and to each other second - to not justify sinful desires or behavior, but to flee from sin and sprint towards righteousness. Thank you for your love, Jesus, and thank you for the model that it is for how I can love C. Amen.

She just called and is downstairs at the door - God bless.